My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
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Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
i think both sides are to blame here
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?