Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
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The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I have never related to anyone more.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.