Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
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Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
A friend sent me this.