If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
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me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies