My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
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me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit