the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
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*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.