Me: how are you
Friday: good
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[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I love twitter
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?