snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
You Might Also Like
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.