ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
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[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.