knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
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People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
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me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul