Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
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<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation