[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
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Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Who’s ready for Friday?!