I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
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friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt