Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
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Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
i could never be president. im overqualified.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on