Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
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COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
WHO DID THIS?
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
the three branches of government
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes