JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
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Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”