My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
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As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.