My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
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DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.