It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
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Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.