Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
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ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
it be like that
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
what my late-night hot pocket sees
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
That took me a moment.
waiting for halloween be like:
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”