This is I, Robot all over again
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Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.