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Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place