last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
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They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
no one ever comes back
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I missed you with all my darts
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying