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Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.