Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
What’s a Messi?
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.