When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
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I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Just how popey was the pope today?
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids