ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
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Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
live, laugh, laundry.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
My kitchen overserved me.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…