Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
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I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick