My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
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I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
gm
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.