It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
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people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.