SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
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Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Just ordered me some pizza!
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals