I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
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Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”