THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
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Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
LMAO.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand