Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
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“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
crying
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
The struggle is real
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being