my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
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“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.