If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
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eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen