Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
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Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Aaaa…CHOO!
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor