[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
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I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Just a bush.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif