Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
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My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
This is painfully accurate 😅
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off