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My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
WTF
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up