bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
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Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
The three genders.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Easy enough.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib