If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
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My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.