when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
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[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.