Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
You Might Also Like
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”