Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
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When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet