My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
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Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
lumberjacks will cut a birch
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.