I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
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[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Lmbo
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family: