Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
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Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
2023 was just a warmup
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.