Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
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Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.