i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
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Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*